Developing Conversation Skills

Examples

• Once you’ve said “hello”, you can ask a general question that relates to the situation or event you are both attending. You could also observe the surroundings and make a comment on them. In either case, avoid being judgmental or negative. You could also start the conversation by giving the person a compliment. As shared before, it can be helpful to give a compliment on something you have background or interest in so you can continue to build the conversation from there.

The best conversation starters

• The best conversation starters share a few main qualities. To begin, they are spoken in a confident and self-assured way. When the other person in a social interaction senses you are confident in wanting to start the conversation, they will be more likely to join in. Additionally, great conversation starters are personal, but not private. It can be good to share or ask for personal information so you can learn more about the person, but try not to cross the line into asking for private information which might make that person shut down. Lastly, successful conversation starters typically show genuine interest. Try and start a conversation based on what you’re interested in and what you suspect they might be interested in as well. Conversing about topics of genuine interest is more likely to create a positive social experience as opposed to trying to discuss a dry subject that neither of you are interested in.

The "Quick Scan Approach"

• This approach involves scanning social media, online news, and other platforms for recent information before you go out. This gives you fresh and new ideas to when there’s a lull in conversation.

The "Spokes Method"

• This approach involves visualizing the small talk conversation as the center of a wheel with different topics as spokes radiating from that center. Visualizing the conversation in this way can help you connect topics and bring up new issues that you might be more interested in or knowledgeable about.

The "Quick Win Approach"

• This approach teaches you not to overthink and hesitate during social situations. Rather, when using this approach, you stay present in the moment and maintain a state of curiosity about the other people around you.

With all of these strategies, it is important to practice! Practicing these skills on a consistent basis will help them come naturally over time.

Leaving a conversation can sometimes feel awkward. Perhaps because you don’t want to interrupt the conversation, or because you don’t want to seem anti-social for leaving early. However, others usually don’t think twice about someone leaving the conversation when it’s done quickly and cleanly.

Saying something like, “It was great talking to you, but I have to run” or, “I’ve got to go, talk to you later” can be great ways to end the conversation without bringing in complex excuses that drag the dialogue on.

Additionally, keep in mind that you likely are not the only one thinking about ending the conversation. It’s common to feel anxious about ending a conversation, so relax and don’t worry about hurting others’ feelings when you need to leave.

Once you’ve laid the foundation for a relationship with small talk, it may be time to have some deeper conversations. However, it is still important to recognize that some people want to stick with neutral small talk! Always respect others’ boundaries as to not risk making them feel uncomfortable.

If the other person is open to moving past small talk, here are some tips for deepening the conversation.

• You can start by taking whatever the person says and use it as a jumping off point to talk about something more interesting. Grab onto what they bring up, and use it to move away from the neutral small talk. For example, if they talk about the weather, ask them if they have any outdoor trips planned for the weekend. Or, ask them if they enjoy spending time outside and what some of their favorite outdoor activities are.
• Draw attention to things you both have in common. Discussing commonalities is a great way to deepen the conversation because you can bounce ideas off each other rather than one person monopolizing the topic area.
• Strike up small talk using a new question to mix things up. This way, you make them think of something they are not used to thinking about in quick social situations. This method also helps you go beyond the surface level to learn more about someone’s interests, values, and experiences. Following up on something they said is another great way to further the conversation. This approach shows them that you’re listening and that you care about their opinions.
• Invite the person to get together on a regular basis. Even if it’s for a quick coffee or walk around the block, getting together to chat regularly ensures that the relationship receives the time it needs to grow.